Shattered

On March 5, my baby brother, only 17 years old, died in an accident at home. My world shattered, and nothing mattered. I didnt matter. I'm starting to come together enough to care about things again. I'm trying to pull myself together for my family. My Dad saw where I was headed and begging me to take care of myself. Hes even helping me. But I have to care in order for it to work. So now I'm starting to care. Or trying to at least. It just feels like "how can anything matter when hes gone?" and gone so tragically and suddenly.

Yeah. I know.

via GIPHY

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Jerkface

So, I am a Star Wars FREAK. Its literally part of my identity, its so ingrained on my psyche.
Anyway I'm browsing the interwebs and discover and Ex's podcast regarding Star Wars
(and by "Ex" I mean that one guy in high school that toyed with my emotions for three years and basically made my life miserable 90% of the time all the while convincing me it was my fault)

ANYWAY I checked out his bio and I about died. Hes married, has a new baby, is super active in his church - his podcast was faith based - and lost over 100 lbs....

Meanwhile, I had postpartum depression when I had my baby, gained OVER 100 lbs and am having a slight crisis of faith.

Can I eat everything now?

My husband and my children are hands down the best things in my life and I hardly deserve them - or at least thats what my mind keeps telling me - Why do I get them?

and - better question - why does jerkface get happiness too? Is it wrong to hope someone messed him up emotionally before he found happiness?

probably.

I'm just gonna sit here and be mad for three more minutes. . . Then I'll let it go.


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Only Mondays

Why are Mondays the only days to start things?
My inner most "me-ness" keeps thinking "Well its wednesday, middle of the week. you can't 'start' abstinence or your eating plan now. wait till Monday."
Why?!
Excuse to binge more?
Maybe.
But I think it has more to do with perfection.
You can't have the perfect week, or other perfect recovery or the perfect abstinence if you've already 'messed up' the first half.

When I read "unglued" the author touched on the notion of "Imperfect Progress" - which is the reality of basically every situation, and is still rejected by most women (possible people, but her book was geared toward women.) Not  a new concept, but one finally explained in contrast to the perfect progress I just seem to crave.

I want to be better NOW
I want to be healthy NOW
I want to be patient and lovely and calm and happy
NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW.

But I struggle. I slip and then think "well thats ruined, might as well make brownies."
And I think that longing to "undo" mistakes is what triggered - or gave me the brilliant idea I thought no one ever had before - my bulimia. Then in became a circular pattern of reasoning and who knows what comes first now.

I am grateful that part of it has lessened since I've had my babes. I can't do that in front of them, so my only opportunities are nap and bedtimes.
Its funny how I would never purge in front of them but I binge in front of them constantly.

And the binging is what I have come to cling to. Its comfort and camaraderie and reward and commiseration. Its always always always there.
Its control. Its what I want when I want it. So there.

I just want to be happy.
Truly happy.
I want to make my children happy and my husband happy.
Or at least be so calm, at peace and happy with myself, it rubs off on them.

Why is peace so hard to find?

In the Beginning

Geeze, just reading the header I feel like a broken / insane person.
But I'm not that bad... right?
This is where I will post my food, my feelings, my struggles and the emotions that go with it.
Ok, no one, here we go