My inner most "me-ness" keeps thinking "Well its wednesday, middle of the week. you can't 'start' abstinence or your eating plan now. wait till Monday."
Why?!
Excuse to binge more?
Maybe.
But I think it has more to do with perfection.
You can't have the perfect week, or other perfect recovery or the perfect abstinence if you've already 'messed up' the first half.
When I read "unglued" the author touched on the notion of "Imperfect Progress" - which is the reality of basically every situation, and is still rejected by most women (possible people, but her book was geared toward women.) Not a new concept, but one finally explained in contrast to the perfect progress I just seem to crave.
I want to be better NOW
I want to be healthy NOW
I want to be patient and lovely and calm and happy
NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW.
But I struggle. I slip and then think "well thats ruined, might as well make brownies."
And I think that longing to "undo" mistakes is what triggered - or gave me the brilliant idea I thought no one ever had before - my bulimia. Then in became a circular pattern of reasoning and who knows what comes first now.
I am grateful that part of it has lessened since I've had my babes. I can't do that in front of them, so my only opportunities are nap and bedtimes.
Its funny how I would never purge in front of them but I binge in front of them constantly.
And the binging is what I have come to cling to. Its comfort and camaraderie and reward and commiseration. Its always always always there.
Its control. Its what I want when I want it. So there.
I just want to be happy.
Truly happy.
I want to make my children happy and my husband happy.
Or at least be so calm, at peace and happy with myself, it rubs off on them.
Why is peace so hard to find?
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